When I was younger, around 7 or 8, my younger cousin and I were swimming in the pool in his backyard. Despite him being younger, he weighed significantly more than I did. I was having fun, playing around with this new squid toy I had gotten. I was swimming around the deep end, pretending I was the squid. He swam over and asked if he could play with it, I said sure just give me five minutes with it. He nodded and swam around for a bit. Five minutes later, he came back and asked for it again. I gave it to him and he floated back to the shallow side to play with it. No less than a minute after I gave it to him, he decided it was a good idea to toss it into the deepest part of the pool and he couldn't swim without a floater much less dive to get it. He asked me to get it for him. I was tired from swimming, so I said no. He asked me again, I said no. He asked me a third time, again I said no. He was done asking. Later, when I decided to swim over to the shallow side, I felt something moving the water behind me. I turned around and before I could react I was shoved under water. I struggled, the water churning around me. I managed to come up once or twice but after I just didn't have the strength. I kicked and spun desperately trying to get loose from my cousin's grip. My lungs were burning and I could feel my energy leaving me. I swore, I was going to die. My cousin was going to kill me. Over a squid toy. Then, my aunt came out and saw. She dove into the pool and ripped him away from me. I used whatever energy was left to launch myself out of the water and cling onto the pool wall. I was so relieved. My lungs were still burning and my eyes were sore from being open so long in the chlorinated water. I struggled and pulled myself out of the pool, heaving on land. Being able to breathe again felt so amazing. Oh, so amazing. After I had gotten dried off and had something warm to drink, my mom collected me and took me home.
I am older now. Much older. This memory still haunts me. I have nightmares about it.
But, now, if I'm honest, I wish he would have killed me then.
I've been going through depression, being ignored from my friend and talked about behind my back, being beaten up. I'm so tired of it. I've tried ways to help with the stress, stopped the bullying and talking behind my back. Life would seem good, right?
My life is horrible. I'm never good enough, never gotten a decent 'You did as good as you could, and I'm proud of you' in my life.
I don't want attention.
I don't want all these expensive things now in life.
I don't want or need love.
The only thing I want is relief.
And there's only one way I know how to get it.